All I Really Want For Christmas
by AssassinOfRome
Summary: D Tent write their Christmas lists. Title Song is by Family Guy and what the fic is based around, but with some editing! Implied Zanley. One shot. T for Swearing and innuendo. Crack!Fic. Happy Holidays!


Our story begins in Camp Greenlake, just before Christmas time. Eveything was dry and dusty. The trees were dying. And everyone was making their lists. Stanley and Armpit were scribbling furiously, lying on the floor. Squid was chewing his pencil, thinking and staring up at the ceiling. ZigZag and Magnet were sharpening their pencils on their cots. XRay was squinting at the paper, holding it up to the light. Zero glared at them all from the corner, envying their ability to write. Smiling with glee, Stanley stood up and read part of his list out.

"Hector Zeroni and Megan Fox, wearing nothing but their socks. That's all I really want for Christmas, this year!" He sang. Zero glared at him.

"Just no. No." He scowled.

"Going back home to Mexico, also with XRay and some blow, is all I really want for Christmas this year!" Magnet joined in.

"That sounds awesome Mags." XRay replied. "How 'bout you guys?" He asked Armpit, Squid and ZigZag. Zero pouted and folded his arms, feeling ignored.

"I would like a piece of cake, so I'm no longer hungry." Armpit replied. Squid grinned.

"But you're always hungry anyway!" He reasoned. Armpit threw the sharpener at him. Mr Sir popped his head in the tent.

"I would like my truck in pink and some alcohol to drink!" He sang. Everyone stared at him before Stanley brought the song back.

"That reminds me, a Keg of Root Beer!" Everyone but Zero stood and kept singing.

"All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all I really want this year!"

Zero raised an eyebrow at their shenanigans.

"Santa's got his work cut out for him then." He spat. XRay cuffed Zero on the back of his head gently, messing up his afro.

"Oh, we haven't even got started yet!" He cried. Zero smoothed his hair, frowning. Magnet glanced at his list.

"I wanna see the Spanish coast." He wished.

"Lunch with Michael Jackson's ghost!" Armpit added.

"It's all we really want for Christmas, this year!" They sang. ZigZag stared at Armpit.

"Wait what?"

"Forget it, keep going." Armpit blushed, not meaning to reveal his hero in front of everyone. Mr Sir took up the song.

"I want the Warden in my bed!" He screeched. Everyone looked at him.

"Dude... He wants some weird crap." XRay mumbled.

"SOFTER VOICES IN MY HEAD!" ZigZag cried, drawing the attention to himself.

"That's all we really want for Christmas, this year!" They sang. Or more accurately yelped. ZigZag kept singing on his own.

"Yellow cake... uranium, never mind the reason. Also snakes and ladder and a ball!" He laughed at the end. Zero facepalmed.

"Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?" He sighed, exasperated. Squid gaped at him.

"Crap on you, it's not enough!" He sang. Pendanski came in, walked next to Zero and held his crotch, scaring the small boy and everyone else in the tent.

"Buddy Boy, I got your Christmas, right here!" He leered. Zero scooted away, next to Stanley.

"I'd rather be with you then that." He whispered to his boyfriend. Stanley grinned and tapped Zero's nose.

"All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all we really want this year." Stanley mumbled into Zero's afro as he kissed the top of his head.

"I'm still saying, it's a bit excessive." Zero reasoned.

"Oh get off your soapbox, Zero! It's Christmas!" Magnet whined. Squid nodded.

"And Christmas is about getting, everyone at Camp knows that!" Everyone made noises of agreement.

"Hooker girls with no restraints, just to choke me 'til I faint. That's all I really want for Christmas this year!" Pendanski sang.

"Dude, make up your mind." XRay told him. "You gay or not?"

"XRay, you need new underwear." Pendanski sneered at him.

"Just one day when pests won't stare? That's all I really want for Christmas, this year." Mr Sir asked doubtfully, staring at his collegue. He raised his gun at a pile of yellow spotted lizards at the door. He fired and they scurried away, claws stratching the ground. The Warden appeared in the tent flap. She looked at all the lists and feeble decorations, huffing.

"If you pull a cracker here, even in the Mess Hall, I will make you all go dig more holes!" She yelled. "Happy Holidays!" She said sarcastically. "Or do you all want tinker toys?"

"I want a little drummer boy!" Pendanski replied, still staring at Zero. "He can either tap his drum or my rear." Everyone looked disturbed, even the Warden. Stanley held Zero closer. Zero looked thankful. The adults all sang in unison.

"All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all we really want for Christmas this year!" Mr Sir waved his gun around. A shot went through the roof of the tent, leaving a smoking hole. Mr Sir grinned sheepishly.

"I want a golden moustache comb!" Zero rolled his eyes at the wannabe-cowboys.

"I guess I could use some afro foam. That's ALL I really want for Christmas this year." The smallest boy admitted. The whole tent cheered. Armpit took up the song.

"I wish Camp Greenlake had a hedge."

"I would like more lemon pledge." Magnet replied in his Mexican accent, miming cleaning Zero's hair, which he tousled. Stanley grinned and ruffled Zero's curls to.

"I would like a wedding ring, from someone named Hector." He hinted. ZigZag laughed.

"I just want some coloured Easter eggs!" He giggled. "And a Blue Ray of The Wiz!"

"I don't know what Christmas is." Zero admitted. "I was in a playpark all year!" Stanley hugged Zero close.

"All these happy wishes and lots of Christmas cheer is all we really want for Christmas this YEAR!" Everyone sang. Stanley's lips hovered just above Zero's own. They were about to kiss when...

Zero jerked up in bed, panting. His sheets, which he had kicked off in the night, were in a pile by the end of his bed and he shivered as the night air hit his sweat dampened skin. Slowly, he pushed his ruly curls out of his wide eyes with a shaking hand.

"Man." He muttered to himself. "I gotta stop drinking Sploosh before bed." Picking up his covers, Zero lay down again. It took him a long time to get back to sleep.


End file.
